Refusing Estrangement, Reclaiming Relation

Friends I am so sorry to let you know that the road to being lovingly understood in your stunning, chaotic complexity and aliveness is coated with the mild discomfort unbearable torment of sticky, sticky relation.

***Combining ~ 6 months of blended 1:1 & small group coaching begins soon***

Week in, week out, my coaching conversations return to one core paradox- we are so desperate to be known, and we avoid intimacy as often as we can.

KNOW MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Parts of us implore.

STOP FUCKING NOTICING THINGS ABOUT ME. Other parts demand.

Do not see my needs, but meet them.

Do not perceive that I am unusually passionate about this topic, but honour and be instantly persuaded by my perspective.

Do not sniff out my self doubt, but reassure me.

Have basically no clue who I am, but imbue me with a sense of belonging.

These are the ways we have learned to survive (psychologically, socially, emotionally) in a hostile, Capitalist society. It's how our humanity attempts to rise to the challenge of a deeply unnatural set of mechanisms that have come to rule our lives.

In one of my faves, Capitalist Realism, Mark Fisher writes: "It (Capitalism) is more like a pervasive atmosphere, conditioning not only the production of culture but also the regulation of work and education, and acting as a kind of invisible barrier constraining thought and action."

In other words pals, the vibes are off. The vibes remind us that we must not risk being seen as needy, emotional, difficult, tedious, disruptive, or anything else that gets in the way of production and consumption.

In these conditions, we are essentially estranged from one another, from ourselves, from all living beings. And this severance of our relational ties supports us to tolerate harms done to others. Because we have become accustomed to a performance of life, rather than the embodied experience of aliveness.

No wonder we struggle to face the children having their limbs stolen in the Zionist genocide when we can barely face the pain we experience ourselves when we feel misunderstood.

We have become so unpracticed, so de-skilled in relation, projecting neutrality and numbness onto ourselves and one another - ANYTHING to avoid rubbing up against one another, feeling human together.

I was reflecting upon my most intimate, loving relationships- the places where I feel most known and valued and held. These are the same relationships where I have felt the most intense bodily rage and rejection. Intimacy emerges from healthy rupture and repair. When we discover that we can survive temporarily deeply disliking one another, we reveal more possibility that we are loveable in our wholeness.

Avoiding conflict means avoiding being known means avoiding intimacy means avoiding belonging means avoiding an ecology that could resource us means avoiding our capacity for contribution.

This is an example of Fisher's 'invisible barriers constraining thought and action'.

I'm supporting clients with developmental approaches and critical theory context for this relational stuff all the time. Whether it's hiding our beliefs in particular spaces, struggles expressing our needs or disappointments, or fleeting worries near permanent states of discombobulation at the prospect of someone forming an opinion about us... we don't have to surrender to living like this. (And for some of us, therapeutic trauma work may also be suitable).

Refusing our estrangement from one another, reclaiming relation from the clutches of Capitalism is essential for those liveable futures we all yearn for.

If you'd like some blended 1:1 and small group coaching support with me beginning during the next couple of weeks, take a look at Combining and book a chat with me here. You can choose to include either 2 quarters of Composting or my new 6 month Study Group Parables for the Polycrisis in with the price (both worth £180). The reason I include something like this is that I believe in the value of broadening the ecology of your considerations- inviting in more resources, ideas and humans to support you.

Love and solidarity, Keri x